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|Monday, July 3rd, 2006|
|Thursday, May 4th, 2006|
We are now out of a house thanks to the Patchwork King. I've been really out of it since we were whooped on the train tracks but now, with the full moon rising, I'm getting my drive back. Unfortunatly we've gone from garrisoned force to hidden partisans in the Slayer's War for Teffelsburg. I really wish there was something we could do but he just seems to have no weak spot. He seems to have planned things out to take care of whatever gets in his way. And on top of all that he gets stronger with every new thing he takes out.
That and visions... I wish that I understood what that stupid Slayer was trying to tell me but she's playing too much.
"Cuts both ways. HE does"
"It's not because of 'your' actions or choices, but it'll be 'your' choice"
Sense of desperation.
Yeah, I feel that.
Maybe that's why I couldn't think to tell Lindsay not to come to Teffelsburg. I need everything I can get to boost me up and give me a reason to push harder. Once she gets here there's going to be no more distractions or side shows. We're going to clear Patchwork out of here or... well, it's obvious... or better luck to the next Slayer. Current Mood: drunk
|Saturday, February 11th, 2006|
|Sides by sided (posted night b4 being catted)
Is it strange to be anxious and excited when waiting for a "call" to get returned from someone you really hate? Knots in my stomach switch between butterflies and bee stings when I think about it. It's a similar feeling to what I feel when I look around at Teffelsburg right now. Soemthing's going on, someone's pushing and it looks like we've got no clue. With a pile of semi-competant demon hunters in tow I feel like we're waiting for a disaster.
These new guys are going to hold us back. They're not functionally parallel with us. They hate demons to the point of stupidity and have used that to give themselves leverage in our own home. Anyone else feel like that? I don't care if they are "on our side." In the end, anyone who tries to tell me one of us, *us*, is not welcome, doesn't really care about *us*.
Let them be allies, maybe even loose friends, but in the end they aren't *us*, they aren't the Slayer, they aren't a carrier of Alerion. They don't get it. Current Mood: annoyed
|Tuesday, January 24th, 2006|
|I Found Myself While Looking for It, Now It's Hungry
So I realized while somewhere between moping, tired and unhappy that I had triangulated the truth about a major part of me. This big thing in my life, like a rotting, undead elephant stuffed into a dark abyss of a closet, had been stinking things up for as while now, and it was only there because I kept feeding it. I let myself wander into a frame of mind that I thought I had always avoided. It's amazing how easily you can become self serving and self focused when you're needed.
Life sucks, it's hard before you meet all the monsters with teeth and claws. The human monsters, taking your money, handing your anger and contempt or even just complete disinterest, are awful. Demons are just like most people, they think about themselves first, and in the end, who's happy about it? The elephant.
So, obviously, tactics must change, priorities shifted, or removed altogether. That's the story of the Slayer. 'Cause, really, you know what the alternative is... Current Mood: Calm
|Monday, July 18th, 2005|
HOLY SHIT!!! THAT THING I PULLED OUT OF MY ARM HAS MORPHINE IN IT!!!
that was in caps both because it's awesome and the nurse is now going to hook me back up and because...
HOLY SHIT THE MORPHINE IS WEARING OFF!!!
Ugh... I feel like crap but I gotta get upa nd do something. That's the worst part abot these moods of mine. Up and running around at 5 in the morning. Fritzie's a sleep and the hospital's pretty quite. I had to wheel chair to thecomputer because of the stitches in my leg. God... how many bullets did the doctor say? 20? 30? Something lik that... just from one leg too. I had afew tucked away in other bits as well. Fucking weirdest stretch of my life yet...
First of all, I'm having a one of my bad moods. That's the start of al of my stories like this. Then, over at the house, helping Fritzie, Lindsay starts trying to hit on me, then act like she's my girlfriend, then get pissed when I won't put out or whatever and soon we're all screaming at eachother. From here we wind up going to Chandler's Brook (aka Nod) and see a "romantic" reanactment of Sabrina's namesake and the first time Iris and Jack were together. Follow that up with dimension hopping, being taken hostage by your friend's copy, being hunted by your other friend's copy and copy's robots and finally meeting your copy at sme wacko waco base and you're aving a great old time. Not fun at all. So We go to vent my frustration on some evil werewolf things and in the process I get mauled by a machine gun.
Many firsts in a short strech of time.
-First time being asked by an acquaintance to sneak off somewhere and get alone.
-First time some got angry at me for *not* being their boyfriend.
-First time seeing wanton slaughter and Allerion's tentecles used as a "mood setter".
-Firstr time being tied up by someone I know persoanlly.
-First time having a friend get infected with werewolf/.
-First time running scared from Fritzie.
-First time meeting myself and seeing wht others see in me.
-Frist time leading a military action.
-First time really not thinking about myself when my friends were in danger.
-First time getting shot and getting shot a lot at that.
-First time regretting (for just a second before I blacked out) not thinking about myself.
-First time waking up with friends taking care of me.
-Frist time riding ina wheel chair and needing it.
I probably missed a few... but you get the idea.
I really wish I knew what was shoving us back and forth through dimensions. It's so frusterating to suddenyl realize you're in bizarro world from my head and not know how/when/if you'll get back. What if we get pulled over there and never come back? I couldn't stand doing that. What's the point of this all and why are we drawn to it? Is it Allerion? Is it something that the Slayer has to do? God... I feel lost about it. The only thing I can think of right now is to go back to square one like when we found the fat fairys. Current Mood: confused
|Sunday, May 8th, 2005|
|Pissing Contests Don't Fill You Up
Been a while since a post. Since then I've started dating someone, someone who asked me first of all things. We've started getting ready to clean Alerion out of a city. I've had a horrifying vision that still hurts to think about. And now I feel worthless again to everyone. It's a stupid thing to say and it's probably only to get attention or compliments or something, but I really don't know what the hell I'm doing right now. I still don't know why I keep pushing at this whole demon slaying bit. I'm driven, deep down, but then again, part of me is driving me to do otherwise and then again, neither piece is even me at all. I'm just a trinket that two earthshaking (from what I hear) forces are squabbling over. Not even unique or interesting either, part of a collection. I want to stop this so often it really sucks. I feel like I am pushing uphill and hill is fighting me.
Is that wrong or bad? Are we really that there is between the world and these demons? Doesn't seem likely with people like Jonah out there. Hell, he'll make an impact we couldn't even dream over in a matter of weeks or DAYS even. Meanwhile we scratch around waiting to meet something over our head and squished? Just look at that statue... if not for Angela nearly bleeding to death in a symbolic act of defiance to her family line... we'd be dead. All it would have taken was the flu or something to make her stay home and I'd be a tentacle tug toy. Meanwhile, the whole time, what did I really do to help? I peed on a corpse. Wonderful act of heroic bravery and goodness.
I want to go back to being mostly alone. Too many people, too much talking and thinking. If it weren't my friends in there with me I would have walked away from it all a while ago. No offense to Jack, Sabrina, Emma, etc. But that's all that keeps me in this right now. My slayer frag and alerion bit have their own agendas, the woman in my mind, the people fighting their war, Louie's rambling, are all working for these God damn causes that I don't know anything about.
Does anyone else feel like they're going through the motions? Fight, kill, watch movies... why? Current Mood: sad
|Monday, April 11th, 2005|
|Big Fish Dreams
So I didn't say everything about my vision to you guys (who i know are going to read this) on New Years. I still can't bring myself to talk about that specifically. Thinking about it brings the images up in my mind, they are like pop ups I can't help clicking on... and once one starts they all show up. Until I know if they are figurative or literal I don't know what to think. My visions of Stoneport just can't be images of the future... it's not fair if they are. Why show me if I can't change the events, right? Then there's Alerion, Alerion has messed with my visions before... what if it put a certain spin on this message... Now I can't sleep. That doesn't help, my mind wanders too much when I am tired. Patrolling helped, I got most of a long nap's worth of sleep before I had to wake up.
The worst part is my complete lack of understanding as to what's going on. I suppose it's not that I am iin the dark about anything, I know plenty, I just have no idea what to do with what i know... so why can't I share? I don't understand it so it just consumes me... I guess I'm just afraid because of what it COULD mean. But if it means what I'm afraid it means I really don't want to understand. Man, this is just like dealing with girl stuff... I'm so bad at it... it's just my luck that it would be me getting these messages. Same sick joke, different delivery, thanks world. Current Mood: worn out
|Tuesday, March 15th, 2005|
|I wish I could gouge out my hindsight X()
Embarrassing myself is something that I do fairly often... but I think I just took it to a new level. It's just kind of sinking in right now, what I did I mean. I stood up in front of several hundred people and boldly said I was a virgin. Ugh... But how else were we going to beat Elena? I couldn't think of anything else and it made sense. Something that I could use that wouldn't make me a ninja or something else like that, something I already had. Or didn't in this case I guess. Why did I do that? Why not something with being half werewolf or part slayer? That could have been cooler. Hindsight...
I suppose it's not such a big deal. Plenty of people go this long, and much longer, without having sex. It's just that look that some folks give you. THat one between disbelief and amusement.
Hm... I bet I know what it was. Pride. I needed to solo the win... like I had to prove something. It wasn't I chose something all that unique, just unique within the group.
I'm just worked up that's all. I think my mood is slipping now. It's harder to concentrate and I'm really worried right now. All of my friends had to go to the hospital! Beaten, sliced, shot, starved! I totally failed on this whole convention. Fritzie gets cornered and mauled by Elena. Angela goes anorexic. I let Joey get pummelled by Orcs. I barely pull Jake away from ninja man. Fritzie gets shot! Lindsay gets shot! Both at the same time mind you. I'm pulling Lindsay out and then Fritzie gets hit. Talk about torn. I've never had a worse feeling in my life than that moment. If that crazy lady with the yellow stick hadn't shown up I don't know what I would have done.
Gosh, who would have thought that letting go of the orbs for a night would do this to me? Aside from it feeling GREAT to have set that shit down for the first time in a week it's like I came out of a tunnel. I was totally focused on the orbs. Getting them, guarding them, destroying them... and I totally dropped the ball at the convention over it. I guess if they can't get you one way they'll get you another.
Now my current dilema is: Who do I feel more worried about? Current Mood: embarrassed
|Wednesday, March 2nd, 2005|
::OOC-This entry is after the first day at the Con::
Well... the NecronomiCon is... slow moving. I guess I can see why some people are into this stuff. I know that Fritzie loves it, or at least, her part of it. It's good to help her out with getting her show off the ground. It needs to happen at some point because Marshall Fields isn't where she belongs, so I'll continue to sell thongs to thirteen year olds and 250 lbs men if that's what I have to do. Plus, it's nice to relax like this outside of the store for a while. Lindsay and Tyler didn't show up today so I guess it's good that nothing crazy happened... but I hope they come. I'm a little worried that they won't. Tyler seemed into it, but what if Lindsay decided against going or something? I didn't check it out with her first like I probably should have. Hm... maybe I'll call her tomarrow if they don't show up. Current Mood: Unsure
|Monday, February 21st, 2005|
Well, it turns out that I am not only really bad at working things out with people (girls especially) but I am bad at orchestrating other people to do it for me. When I should just be up front and talk to someone I step back and work from the outside and the times I've tried to be hands on... well... that's college I guess. It just seems like everytime I step close to something like a romantic relationship it gets horribly, horribly out of control. Sometimes it's me being a dipshit, sometimes it's the other person... either way, I just seem to have bad luck with women.
Though I still wish that I had explained things better to Jake about what I was after. It sounds like Sabrina knew what to say but Jake really missed the mark. It's odd because you would assume it would be the other way around (no offense Sabrina). Either way I am very thankful to both for being willing to help me out. I don't get that much.
Okay new subject. Did it weird anyone else out just how many people FREAKED when their looks were stripped away? Sure we all had lost other things... but man, that really puts into perspective how important that is. Maybe I should take better care of myself. I've always just tried to sink to the back of social situations. I don't have the looks or charisma that the rest of my friends have. I don't really have the ability to make friends since most people won't hang out with me more than once unless forced. That's how I met everyone I know now... But it is tiring sometimes, not being able to connect with people outside of my knot of friends. I don't think that the rest of them feel like they are cocooned inside of it, they have other... real lives...
I guess I have been branching out with the people who have been forced into our life and then there's Lindsay... and Tyler. Oh man! What the hell am I gonna do with Tyler? My half brother werewolf who I just met!?! Agh! This is going to be awkward for sure.
On the up side we are on our way to a third orb, hanging out with Lindsay is working out well, Fritzie is talking to me again and the Satyr spell was broken.
My suits come along well...
I wish I had a goal for something outside of all of this. For two years now my life has been stagnant but I am only 21. Plenty of time to adapt and find a direction besides the Pet Shop. Unless I want to stay with the Pet Shop... do both? Current Mood: calm
|Wednesday, February 16th, 2005|
|Webs Woven... Catches Caught... Puppeteer's Puppets...
So I got another Orb.
It's funny, bad, good, warm, scarey, slippery. Whatever it tries to be I know what it is.
Anyway, it turned out that Jake was right! Interacting with these guys directly can take you places for sure! Once I treated that Knute guy like a person and was straight forward with him, things worked out. I went the night before the bowling alley incident to talk with him. He seemed on my level, not political, not manipulative, not too bright, just intimidating. I hoped I could squeeze some Orb locations out of him while poisoning the well for his comrades. Neither really helped much... at the moment. I gave him my cell and we made a deal not to mess with each other. As in, he won't mess with our searching for other Orbs so long as we don't mess with his Orb. That's why he didn't just toss me in the room with the rest of you guys, he wanted me to help him out.
But it all worked out and I got my Orb.
You know, I kept feeling like I was inches away from the human side of him when we were talking in the parking lot, one on one. Almost like too much pressure on a weak character was wearing it thin, you know? But in the end he snapped back to form and once he was with all of his biker guys there was nothing else. We either have to gut this fragment in one blow, or figure out how to snap these guys back to reality.
Either way I don't think that joining the story will help. How can feeding the puppeteer demon help? We gotta kill it before it gets stronger or starve it. Current Mood: full
|Wednesday, February 2nd, 2005|
|Another Child Went Forth... and it was me
::This journal is locked so that only friends can see it::
Jake and I have always had our differences. We are brothers close enough in age to be friends and playmates, but seperate enough that we have some very different tastes. There are other differences. Jake really takes after Dad in looks: the smaller features, the eyes, the natural shape of this body, voice. He has some of Mom's stuff too: lips, chin, ears.
Me... I look much different. My hair is red and blonde with natural layering (something people pay tons of money to have done to them, why? I hate it!). I have Mom's eyes and nose. But everything about is different from Jake.
At Lindsay's party I think there was an alterior motive for inviting me... and it wasn't the kind that girls have for Jake. Lindsay and her Cousin took me to meet the boss of the get-together, Owen.
I definatly have his chin and hair and ears and build and teeth even. He was totally calm about telling me that I am his son (he remembered it), he had a relationship with my Mom. Then he went on to describe other things about me, like my moods, my inability to socialize, always feeling left out. Yeah, he then tells me he's a werewolf.
Some I'm half werewolf, I'm only Jake's half brother and I'm not my Dad's son at all.
No wonder he never liked me. No wonder he and Mom were always fighting about me.
So it turns out that though, in a way, the divorce is my fault, I'm more the result than the cause of this marriage falling about.
But this is all a little messed up right here... does that make me half demon or something? Does that make me more vulnerable to Allerion... or less? Does that mean even after we defeat Allerion my slayer fragment won't leave because it will continue to battle my blood or something? Current Mood: Questioning
|Wednesday, January 26th, 2005|
|So this is what burnout feels like...
I have never felt burn out before. School never could load me up with enough work to wear me down, work is second nature to me and I never have done much else I guess. But these past few high motion, high anxiety, his hormonal days, coupled with the Were-wolf thing, then the Owen thing, then the Emma thing, the on going Order of the Star thing and finally the last night thing, make me feel like my head is in a plexi-glass case. Not THAT last night thing... a different one Fritzie... mostly I guess, different though. I'm still trying to sort out what happened there... here... over... where? I dunno. It's confusing, but I think I'm working it out.
Is anyone else feeling like they are the weasel about to pop? I feel like I need to do or say something every where I go now and if I don't figure it out... something! Sigh... I bet this gets easier to deal with once you've done it a few times.
I wish Tracy were around to explain some of this to us, she was the Slayer before us, but she was also a really nice person and our friend. If only she could tell us what it was like for her, you know? I bet that would help. Current Mood: Awake
|Tuesday, January 18th, 2005|
I, ah... dunno what to do right now. I got royally crapped on from two different directions. Owen... Mom... all that stuff, it will probably be good for me some day. But Emma, poisoned, in a stasis jar, her Uncle hovering nearby. I can't stand this. How come it's so much easier to put this stuff on the computer screen? I can't, for the life of me (or others it seems), seem to act. I just sat there stupid while everyone else figured out what to do. Gr... I don't even have a mood swing to blame it on right now. Not that I can contribute much to the magicky whatsajoozie... I can't cast spells, I can barely medititate, I fall asleep on books...
Well, I suppose I can help one way. I can play errand boy. I'll get one of those other components... not the poison, that'll have to be a group effort... blood we have... sweat...? Well... there's at least one resident madman that I could get sweat from. I sure as hell am not gonna be able to pull off legitimate tears from an enemy. Okay sweat it is. I'm gonna have to make sure that Louie doesn't just go into flip out mode when I talk to him...
Gotta just focus and do it. Current Mood: unsure
|Thursday, January 6th, 2005|
|Memory (copy from Community)
OOC: *Please make comments in the Community Copy of this*
I haven't been this pissed off for a while now. The urge to use my teeth on people or objects only comes out when I let my anger build to levels of real rage. Don't worry though... I don't bite anymore... I got that all out of my system when I was in third grade.
I've never had many friends that were real back then, bullies tended to gravitate to me. Since my temper just got me into trouble and Dad always warned the teachers about how "innappropriate" I was, I tried to stay away from everyone. Though I may not seem like it, I can be pretty creative when need be and I put that to good use. I helped spread the ant colonies around, made them wage war (black vs. red) and even devised names for the Kingdoms: Antopia and Anti-topia... Gimme a break, I was just a kid.
Great heroes such as Antman and Antlion braved all sorts of adventures while I watched. Until Jeff came over and began to watch me, then I got all embarassed and stopped narrating aloud. He would laugh and point at me and make fun till recess was over. He told all the other kids and gave me the name Bug Lover. Everything was great for him because I was too afraid because the teachers hated me and Dad wouldn't help me, then I fell into one of my moods.
He started one of the usual sing song taunts one recess and was met with a faceful of mud. He got mad, but rather than vent on me, he moved with a wicked smile and jumped two footed onto Antopia. I totally flipped out. You all know what a spazzed out kid is like. I flew at Jeff, tackled him and bit him hard on the leg. It was scarey the moment I realized what I had done. I managed to draw blood even through his overalls. I got in BIG trouble at school and was grounded all school year. I guess the bite was so bad that Jeff had to have stitches. He was out of school for a week also because he got a real bad fever too. WHen he came back to school he told everyone that it was because of how dirty I was. But on the up side, he never messed with me again, and just a flash of my teeth made him flinch.
Other things have pissed me off like that since, but I've learned to control my urges (at least in that respect). That's why I head butt now I guess... it's close to biting... but more acceptable for some reason... Current Mood: bitchy
|Thursday, December 23rd, 2004|
Okay bad mood made worse right now. I knew it wasn't a good idea to go to the lair of the order of the star, but I didn't say anything. I knew we should have just gone and bullied the priest instead, but I let myself get talked down. Element of surprise my ass, keeping a low profile no way. My gut instinct would have saved a lot of shit from going the way it did. No mutant monkies, no stake in Jack's back, no depressed mopey people and maybe a sense of some kind of accomplishment.
And by the way, I now offically want to bite the order of the star. It's hard to get me that pissed off anymore, I haven't bit anyone since third grade. Something is really wrong here. Even the demons who are situated and hold a lot of power around here don't do things as blatant as these fellows. I mean, it seems like an unspoken rule... vamps, demons, witches etc. all seem to keep quiet about what they are. They all work backstage. These guys are all up in everyone's face... why the hell is that? Current Mood: grumpy
|Wednesday, December 15th, 2004|
|Dreams to Date
Dream1: Crazy Dreadlocked lady dressed in animal skins and stanky as all hell. Talked to me without moving her mouth, like straight into my brain. Something about "the line" being broken (the slayer maybe?) and the responsibility being on our (or my I don't remember) shoulders (pretty sure it was our). I expressed confusing, she express a vague "you'll understand when" and said soemthing about (what I now know as Neverland) an underground place. I tried to ask more but it all went away and I woke up.
Dream2: She was back, mentioned that we didn't have all of the pieces of the slayer. Said that the ugly one needed to be drawn in and protected. Losing one of the peices, ANY of the pieces would be really really bad. Hm... can't remember much more. I'll think on this one and see if I can churn up some more info.
Dream/Epiphany/DrunkenHallucinations3: Her voice saying 6 orbs of Harmaman over and over. Then flickery lights pointed at those bad ass Order of the Star dudes (and hot chick).
Sabrina... could we work on the meditation thing some more? If I got a Dream while awake (making it not a dream I guess...) then there has to be some way to control it more. It's more than just when I sleep.
Emma... any books I could read on this stuff? I've heard/read about famous fairy tale people and critters that had things like this. Or maybe you and Sabrina both could help me with it?
Anyone else... help... Current Mood: confused
|Guh... Fuh... Bluh...
BotB... wqhat the hell was all of that? We slapped together a band,churned out a few songs and nearly took the whole thing! Do we really rock that much or did the other bands (exceprting Trapeze of course) reqally suck that much? I guess we is a little strong, they is more like it. I just swung the lights a little more than the local techies would have, but support is often jkust as important as participating. It was weird too, being in such a good mood there, it was like my nasty mood lifted for a bit... I just felt like watching from a distance rather than biting someone.
But I nearly lost it big time today when that Chameleon girl stopped in. Gr... She would be annoying reguardless. Moody, loud, sobby and on top of it all she was totally convinced that her chameleon was frokm my shop. I finally got her out of my shop onlt to hear her get in a scuffle with Louie the bum. He was wacking out way more than usual and really getting in her face. I broke it up and was really hoping thast Louie would throw a fist or something becausehe sure looked luike he might... but he just ranted instead. Her kept calling her and "her type" bloodsuckers and backstabbers. It was wierd, between his talk and his necklace I got the feeling that it was more than capitalism that he was talking about, but that was the only way his brain could handle it. Does that make any sense?
On an unrelated note:
Please someone take me out to do something I am going crazy right now. I'm no longer satisfied with just working and the internet. Sabrina? Jake? Fritzi? Angela? Anyone? I feel like I gotta run around or something... it's really annoying. And the less I do, the more iritable i anm. Current Mood: aggravated
|Saturday, December 11th, 2004|
|Step one, touch your tentecle to mine...
So that was what we are facing... Wierd. Big let down in some ways... scarey all hell in others. The whole thing with Hook was especially awkward. He completely changed and nearly forgot us. I felt like I should say something... but he wasn't the same guy anymore. I feel like I should do something now... but he totally didn't want anything to do with us. All I could do was offer a pet to replace his daughter (Loud sounds of heaqd hitting keyboard). Studies do show that people who've lost loved ones cope better if they have a pet, but it sure sounds insensitive when you offer it at the time. "I'll give you a discount on a statistical aid for your grief :D"
Oh well, maybe I should just forget it, he wouldn't want any reminders of all that anyway. Current Mood: blah